Life Goes On

A few days went by and I was beyond upset my heart was in a million pieces I didn’t have my life long partner with me anymore the father of my children was not around. This is going to sound stupid but a lot of it was how am I going to go to the parent teacher conferences alone ? Their games ? First day of school? Graduation? What about when the kids see the other parents together but their mom and dad weren’t together I went as far as thinking their wedding day. You see some parents are overly involved and others aren’t. The way I started to see this is that when you have kids with somebody it’s not just for those 18 years it’s for the rest of your children’s lives. I was so sad I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to go out, I just wanted to sleep. My mom helped me so much through this and I couldn’t thank her enough as annoying as she is as the most amazing mother in this whole universe she is. She would tell me to keep moving forward life doesn’t stop here you’re not alone you have Jehovah, beautiful kids, and a huge family that just adores you guys and she’s was 100% correct. I did ask myself everyday why did I feel this way? This was my decision this was what I think is best shouldn’t I be relieved? But see your heart and brain half the time are not synchronized my brain knew this was the correct thing to do but my heart was torn and until this day that I sit here and write this it’s still aching but not because I am in love with my ex husband but because I am in love with the family idea “my perfect family of 5” what comes to my head is always what my brother told me “you have to live with your decision no one else does”. It took me a few weeks to start realizing that even though I was struggling with my little rugrats I was indeed relieved, less stressed out, and smiled a little bit more. Some of my irritation and bitterness had gone away that was the moment I started realizing that this was the right decision. A lot of people judged me for this, I heard a lot of she said he said, I lost friends, I gained friends, I made new ones, and I made up with lost connections. As the weeks turned into months things slowly started to get better and easier this was all of course with the tremendous help of my parents with my kids and all my friends that kept up with me and turned my tears into laughter and happiness. Everything was perfect until the reality was hitting me at 100 miles per hour I had to sign it had to be official I had to get divorced, custody, and co-parenting all of that is a mumbo jumbo mess that I won’t get into until the timing is right. What I’ve learned slowly but hard is that time makes everything better, and there isn’t much you can really do. Someone very dear to my heart whom I recently met told me “we have to learn to let go of the things that we have no control over”. I could go on and on about how many rumors have been created, about how many people have said so much, but I’ve learned that these kind of people are just sad lost souls looking for a better view of their life by speaking down on others. I’ve learned to leave things in gods hands because at the end of the day nobody in this world is perfect and we need to learn how to accept and let go of certain situations. The way things have worked for me it has shown me that even though I might not be perfect God is holding my hand every step of the way.