A few days went by and I was beyond upset my heart was in a million pieces I didn’t have my life long partner with me anymore the father of my children was not around. This is going to sound stupid but a lot of it was how am I going to go to the parent teacher conferences alone ? Their games ? First day of school? Graduation? What about when the kids see the other parents together but their mom and dad weren’t together I went as far as thinking their wedding day. You see some parents are overly involved and others aren’t. The way I started to see this is that when you have kids with somebody it’s not just for those 18 years it’s for the rest of your children’s lives. I was so sad I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to go out, I just wanted to sleep. My mom helped me so much through this and I couldn’t thank her enough as annoying as she is as the most amazing mother in this whole universe she is. She would tell me to keep moving forward life doesn’t stop here you’re not alone you have Jehovah, beautiful kids, and a huge family that just adores you guys and she’s was 100% correct. I did ask myself everyday why did I feel this way? This was my decision this was what I think is best shouldn’t I be relieved? But see your heart and brain half the time are not synchronized my brain knew this was the correct thing to do but my heart was torn and until this day that I sit here and write this it’s still aching but not because I am in love with my ex husband but because I am in love with the family idea “my perfect family of 5” what comes to my head is always what my brother told me “you have to live with your decision no one else does”. It took me a few weeks to start realizing that even though I was struggling with my little rugrats I was indeed relieved, less stressed out, and smiled a little bit more. Some of my irritation and bitterness had gone away that was the moment I started realizing that this was the right decision. A lot of people judged me for this, I heard a lot of she said he said, I lost friends, I gained friends, I made new ones, and I made up with lost connections. As the weeks turned into months things slowly started to get better and easier this was all of course with the tremendous help of my parents with my kids and all my friends that kept up with me and turned my tears into laughter and happiness. Everything was perfect until the reality was hitting me at 100 miles per hour I had to sign it had to be official I had to get divorced, custody, and co-parenting all of that is a mumbo jumbo mess that I won’t get into until the timing is right. What I’ve learned slowly but hard is that time makes everything better, and there isn’t much you can really do. Someone very dear to my heart whom I recently met told me “we have to learn to let go of the things that we have no control over”. I could go on and on about how many rumors have been created, about how many people have said so much, but I’ve learned that these kind of people are just sad lost souls looking for a better view of their life by speaking down on others. I’ve learned to leave things in gods hands because at the end of the day nobody in this world is perfect and we need to learn how to accept and let go of certain situations. The way things have worked for me it has shown me that even though I might not be perfect God is holding my hand every step of the way.

I went through some hard times during the first few weeks of giving birth I was exclusively breastfeeding the twins and it was taking a toll on me. I was having marital issues, I had a 3-year old that kept begging for attention, I was having pain from the c-section, it was just horrible. I went through so much in so little time I would cry myself to sleep a lot of the times and nobody knew about this. I would keep it all to myself and keep on smiling the next morning my life was a complete disaster. When you have a baby you’re suppose to be happy and exited and a little stressed but nothing major, but I felt like everything was coming down at 100 miles per hours . My perfectly imperfect family of 5 didn’t seem like i was going to happen. I was emotionally drained my body couldn’t take it either waking up to feed the twins giving Alexander time I didn’t have time to sleep or even breathe for that matter. I know I’m not the only woman who’s felt like this after giving birth not to forget the changes your body goes through physically. It’s all so draining emotionally and physically sometimes you get to the point where you want to give up. I got to my breaking point not once, not twice, not three, but multiple times. It was some difficult times for me. I just couldn’t open up to anybody about my problems. I didn’t want people to see me as a failure I didn’t want people to judge me I didn’t want to accept my truth. The only thing that kept me going was the beautiful blessings that god gave me my 3 beautiful children. I was obsessed with my daughter she was so perfect and my boys? Don’t get me started! In all of this time went by and when the twins were a month in a half I decided something life altering. I decided that my best bet was to be a single mother of three. My oh my did this catch me by surprise never did I want to do this or even think about it but it was what I wanted and felt that was best for everybody. My close family and friends know how hard it was for me to make this decision. I would go back and fourth i only told two people what was going on and they not once told me what to do they always just guided me and tried to ease my pain and I’ll never forget what they would say “at the end of the day it is your decision nobody else has a say in this you are the one that will have to live with the decision.” One of my brothers helped me so much he’s such a special dude I just want you to know I love you so much. My other brother I didn’t want to tell him because I didn’t know how he would react he was upset but god was he beyond supporting like thanks for stepping up to the plate and being such an amazing brother and uncle I love you both so much you’re the best gift my dad has ever given to me. My parents helped me so much through this process as well specially my father since he was in a similar situation before he met my mom. My mother is a superhero without a cape she’s helped me through everything. We fight a lot but no one in this world has a heart as golden as hers. Slowly I started trust more friends and family on what was going on and once I started to open up I Knew what my decision was even though I did not want to accept it because my heart was so broken. Let me tell you guys how much help it was to talk to my small circle of trusted people I was helpless to a certain point but somebody was always there to pick me up, make me laugh, take me out, carry my kids, buy me wing stop, take me to flannys, or wipe my tears away. My last few months in Miami were by far the most fun I’ve had in a while everyone came to my rescue and a day doesn’t go by that I don’t thank god in my prayers for my support system. To this day you guys are still there for me besides my imperfections and love me so much I wouldn’t change any single friendship of mine for anything. But, In my head the following questions aroused what were people going to say? What about my kids? Was it okay? How am I going to this? Is this the right answer? Their so little! God how will you feel? I don’t want my kids not to have a father? I don’t want to give my kids step parents!

Months went by I got huge beyond huge I’ll put up some pics. I felt disgusting big my stretch marks were popping but I was happy and in love with my babies and oldest son. I was so excited about the whole situation. It was the cutest thing ever he would touch my belly and say “remember we have to take care of mami and the babies”. I was beyond annoyed that every week I had to go get a biophysical on the twins (which is where they monitor the babies for an hour and check their breathing, movements, etc. Not your regular ultrasound). It had to be done in the hospital, besides that I would have to go into the doctors office every so often, as well as meet with a specialist every 2 weeks let’s just say it was a very hectic time for me. Finally came the big day it was a Sunday I just knew this was the day I kept getting contractions but I wasn’t sure if they were Braxton Hicks or not. I told my ex husband to please take me to the ER because I thought it was time. He was freaking out and so was I. It was so nerve wrecking we got to the hospital and as I thought I was having contractions every 10 minutes. Oh man were we freaking out. He didn’t know what to do as I didn’t either. We just started crying together it’s one of those moments that you’re terrified but at the same time happiness and excitement is taking over. I didn’t bring the diaper bag I didn’t bring anything but thank god I had everything ready at home. I spent two days on monitors because they wanted to keep the twins in me cooking for as long as they could due to the fact that I was only 36 weeks pregnant. I was so Miserable those days i didn’t have anything to eat, I had back pains, I couldn’t move because if not the monitors would fall off my belly, it was just a bad one. My doctor was so over my calls, I would at least call him every 2 hours but he kept in touch and even though it was a rough 2 days everything came out perfect! I was so upset because it was going to be a c-section but at the same time relieved I was going to stop having back pains and these little monsters that were sucking the life out of me we’re finally coming out to this world for that I could meet them! When I met my babies all I could was cry. I always said I would never feel what I felt with Alexander ever again in my life how could I love these kids how I love him? Well let me tell you the moment I met my twins and the moment they were out of me I felt the same way I felt towards my first born and they were too my heart out of my body now I was divided into 3. My baby boy Andy was taken away from me so quickly. I didn’t understand why at the moment and I was so scared I thought something went terribly wrong. I went to recovery and they were explaining everything to me as to why they took Andy from me and it was because he had fluid in his lungs he was in icu attached to monitors for 2 LONG days. The first night that you have a csection you’re not suppose to get up but I found the strength to get up and walk from my room to the icu to give warmth to my little boy it was beyond painful but so rewarding when I was able to hold him in my arms. A day went by and it was time for me to shower I didn’t want to see myself naked in a mirror I felt as my body was destroyed when I first looked in the mirror I couldn’t stop crying (you’re very swollen after a c-section, nothing like vaginal birth). My ex husband came in rushing and asked if I was okay I told him how I felt and he hugged me and said “No woman on this earth is as beautiful as you are.” (Among other words) I remember how much it touched me but that happiness only lasted a few weeks.

My pregnancy was horrible for me in the beginning. I had migraines for days where on my days off I would spend in a room with all the lights off in bed because I couldn’t get up from the pain in my head. Thank God that phase only lasted the first trimester. After this came my second trimester which was okay, it was only weird because I had lost 20 pounds instead of gaining weight. This lead into my third trimester in which I was suffering from high blood pressure, low iron levels, I didn’t want to eat, and my marital problems weren’t making my situation any better. All I wanted to do was cry and hug my oldest son. I was still working a full time job holding very heavy instrument trays working 12 hour shifts it was so hard I don’t know how I didn’t pop these babies earlier than what I did. I was always exhausted but I love what I do and wanted to save as much money as I could since the plan was for me to be a stay at home for a while. I was so excited about twins oh my god I could just picture them so tiny and perfect. I was excited about their genders terrified if it were to be two girls, I’m not the girly type i don’t know how to raise girls. I would kill myself and their dad wasn’t ready to have 1 girl let alone two!! One of my best friends needed to know the sex I think more than I did so we went together along with my mom and Alex to find out the sex when we found it was a boy and girl, I was so ecstatic it was perfect ! I would at least experience having a daughter but it wouldn’t be too crazy. It was perfect for Alex because he wouldn’t be surrounded by girls 24/7 and it was perfect for me because I would have the mother daughter experience. I was beyond excited having 3 children it was going to be crazy but they would be raised together.